Is It Christmas Yet...? IT'S ONLY SUNDAY!? SON OF A...

Yeah, that's what I said when I woke up this morning.
The whole year always seems to fly by in a whirlwind of less important holidays (pffffft, fourth of july. instead of fireworks, give me presents). Then when that time of year finally comes around, the time of year when my stockings are filled with things I won't eat (hahaha fruit), it takes FOREVER to finally be the day.
How many days until Christmas now?
*counts on fingers*
Son of a frick, I don't think I'm counting right.
Last time I counted it was 5 days.
Now it's still 5 days.
Am I stuck in some sort of time paradox, where no matter what day it is it's 5 days until Christmas?
That'd be like my own personal hell, with Kohls being my heaven.
When I was a kid it was more like torture than it is now. Waiting and waiting with no true sense of time, wondering WHEN CAN I OPEN THOSE BOXES UNDER THE TREE?
My mom used to let me open one random gift before Christmas Eve, and for whatever reason my built in gift GPS tracker would break, and I'd pick up the worst gift under the tree.
A plastic bracelet? Really? I'm 10.
And then of course I'd find out that right next to it was a gameboy or something.

This year I have no plans to open anything early. I have a keen feeling that I won't have the piles of presents that I used to when I was a kid, and taking away from what I do have would truly be spoiling my gifts.
When it comes to Christmas, I'm truly superficial. I'd rather have a huge pile of mediocre gifts than a small pile of awesome gifts.
Except this year. I'd give back a huge pile of mediocre gifts for my one Xbox.
I had a terrifying dream last night in regards to my Xbox plight.
It was Christmas day, and I opened the box, and I had an Xbox.
Not an Xbox 360, an Xbox.
Xbox 360:
Xbox:
I'm betting you can guess which one is pure crap.
It's the one that looks like a cheap piece of plastic.
AKA the plain old Xbox.
You can't play the same games on it, if I recall you can't go online on it.
So pretty much it's just like the Playstation I'm trying to get rid of.
What's worse is when I turned it on, everything was pixelated and just all around crappy.
I truly hope that dream was just a nightmare and not a look into the future.
I'm supposed to be cleaning right now, but I have cramps and a bad temper. I'll clean eventually.
I should probably start by taking off my sleep mask.
Nah, that's a crazy idea. I look great with my sleep mask on.

Anyway, I leave you now with a video I found on a website I frequent.
You Twilighters will enjoy it.
Video

Christmas Shopping and my Heartfelt Plea

I went Christmas shopping for my mom today. My dad took me and we ran by Kohls.
I love that store. I happen to be a clearance rack ravager, and they have 75% off racks all year round. (This is my heaven. When I die, I hope that heaven is like Kohls, with clearance racks everywhere and unlimited money. Then you can always feel that amazing rush that you get when you find a steal.)
So I helped my dad navigate to the store (which is amazing because I suck at directions. Although the directions consisted of turn, turn, straight for 10 minutes, turn, we're here.)
We got to the store, picked out the watch (I knew I was going to get a watch, the second gift was a surprise even to me! I love surprises! Like the one that took the cash right out of my hand! Wee!)

Here's the watch that I picked for her:
For whatever reason it looks kind of pink in the picture, but it's just gold with a crystal accent. I knew she didn't want anything fully encrusted in diamonds. She's not Beyonce.I went looking for the next gift after getting the watch that she fully knows she's receiving. "Dang I need a watch. Hmm hey look at this watch. Look it's 15 dollars. Look it's at Kohls. Hey look, watches." (They didn't have the watch she wanted. So mreh. At least that's a surprise.)

I looked all over the store. I almost settled on this fountain that they had. It was 20 dollars and had a ball that rolled around in the water that poured into the pebbles. I thought it was very pretty, but pretty just won't do for my mommy dearest. I wanted sentimental, I wanted heart-felt, and I wanted pizazz. No not pizza. I said PIZAZZ.
We walked over to the shiatsu massagers. I was so tempted. They had one running on display and all I could think was "Why? Why put me through thi... oh god it feels so good."
After choking on the 180 dollar price tag, we wandered aimlessly through Kohls avoiding the teens that were obviously showing off for whomever (it could've been me, I was the only girl around and I did look pretty damn good.)
We stumbled upon the section that was covered in animated Christmas display thingies. Animated decorations? Whatever you call them. I'll call them skews.
Why?
Because I can, that's why.
So we were looking at the skews, and I saw an adorable 50s diner themed one. I almost got it when something caught my ear.
There was music coming from behind a divider that separated the wall I was looking at with the one next to it.
I stepped behind the divider and bam, I found my perfect gift.
Sitting on the shelf placed among the many different skews was a skew that my heart fluttered for.
It is a little ice rink with magnetic ice skaters spinning and skating on the ice while music plays.
I took a picture of the box when I got home, which is why my mommy isn't allowed to read my blog until after Christmas.We have been collecting animated Christmas dec... I mean skews since I was born. Most of them have long since broken because they're old and had been packed away. So I thought it would be a sweet gesture to bring out a new one for our collection.
Butter her up for the xbox. My plan is nearly complete. MUAHAHAHA...
Crap she's gonna read that at some point.
The gift is full of love with no other meaning except that I love you and... love love lovidy love.
So those are the two presents I got for my mom for Jesusmas.
Oh, and I forgot to mention something. That ice-rink? It was 100 dollars, marked down to 30.
My love for it shot up quite a bit when I saw that.

Now that I've discussed my whole Jesusmas extravaganza, I'll begin my heartfelt plea that was earlier mentioned.
Not interested? Too bad. I'm going to lure you in with puppies.Now that I have your attentio... okay stop looking at the puppies.
Seriously.
Now that I (hopefully) have your attention, I have a plea for you, my bloggy-world friends.
I love each and every one of you equally. Unless you're weird. Then I don't associate myself with you.
Kidding. I love you too, weirdos.
Anyway, as you may know I have been on a conquest to become a successful blog for a while. I'm well on my way, now standing at 17 followers.
Compared to the 2 I used to have, this is great. But two nights ago, I commented on 70 blogs.
70! And that did practically bublicott.
I comment back on everyone that I follow. And I follow most people that follow me.
I am determined to get more readers, and more people to share my great wisdom with. To prove my genius, here is a more accurate depiction of my brain:So let me get to the point. I won't bore you with how smart I am.
I want more people, and I'm hoping that you guys could help me. Help me any way you can. And I'll love you for it. I still have some people I need to subscribe to, but I'm slowly getting on it.
If you help me get more readers I'll go from this:To this:
So the next time you feel as if your heart is spilling over with joy, use some of that joy to help me get people.
Cuz I deserve it.
Wasn't that a loreal phrase?
No wait, that's "Because I'm worth it."
Brain lapse my bad.
One day I want to be like Kristina. Because she's my idol.

Oh, and before I forget, the offer is still open for free layouts from me. I get bored and like to design.
Also, if you want me to subscribe to your blog and you frequent mine, let me know. I tend to lose track. Gah!

The True Meaning of Christmas

Okay, I'm sure from the title you guys are thinking "Wow, Lee's about to drop a ton of wisdom on me and blow me away. Maybe one day I can reiterate this wonderful lesson to my children and share with the world the truth that comes from Lee's ingenious mind."

Yeah, no. Don't ever tell your kids what I'm about to tell you. Because they will grow up greedy and punch old people.
I've seen it happen, no joke.
Christmas may be marketed as the birth of Jesus Christ. But we all know it's really the birth of presents.
When you hear the word Christmas, the first thing you think is "OH BOY PRESENTS! I HOPE I FINALLY GET THAT PONY I ASKED FOR!"
(hey Santa, where's my pony?)
It's the sad truth that has been spread all throughout America. It's become especially prominent in recent times.
Why?
I'll tell you why.Apple has ruined the sanctity of the Christmas season. Can you honestly say that when you see an Ipod Touch or an Iphone you don't say to yourself... "Gee, those things are nifty. I should get one of those." Here's what I think of you Apple. You damn Christmas ruiner.
Even little kids have been consumed by the evil Apple company.See? They're even beginning to morph into Ipods. These are sad times my friend. Very, very sad times.
What happened to the days of lincoln logs, or the ever popular lego? I used to build little castles out of my legos, and drive my hot wheels through the twists and turns that I would create.

I remember when I stopped believing in Saint Nicholas. It took three consecutive years, but eventually it happened. All I wanted was a Gooey Louie. What the heck in a handbasket is a gooey louie you may ask?
Well, now that I look back on it, it's a game that I should never have been interested in. But a child's mind is so easily warped by the advertisements on television.That little gem up there is Gooey Louie. You pull the boogers out of his nose, and eventually his brain pops out. Apparently I thought it was wicked awesome when I was like... 6. But now I'm looking at it going "What nutjob created this game? I mean SERIOUSLY." They must've been picking their nose while they were high and went hey... I could make a game out of this.
But for 3 years I asked for my precious Gooey Louie. And for three years he was not under the tree.
That very last year I asked santa to supply me with a photograph of him in his workshop with the elves. I wanted photographic proof that the jolly old fat man existed.
His excuse?
"Sorry, no picture. The elves are a little camera shy."
Bullhockey. THERE ARE NO ELVES. I KNEW IT.
Why, mom? Why would you lie to me all these years?
Oh shoot I got off track.

Anyway, Christmas is about the presents. I became agonizingly aware of this today when I was in the car with my mom. I said "Christmas in 5 days! I get my presents!" and then I paused and went "Wait... I get my Jesus!" Nice save, right? But I got my Jesus early this year, so bring on the presents.
Originally this picture was of me with normal jesus. I changed it to buddy jesus in order to not offend people.
Although you guys never seem to get offended.
If Jesus offends you... I'm telling Jesus.
If you'd like to see the original, click here.

A Letter to Santa

Fair warning, I have no pictures of the cookies. Why?
Because they're packed away for our own safety. I have been sustaining a healthy 129 pounds, and if those cookies are in my sight... I'll be a not so healthy 150 pounds within a week.
There's only one group of cookies that are not packed away.
It's the nasty fruitcake cookies.
Tell me, in all honesty, is fruitcake a joke? I've had a bite before. It's sticky, looks gross, smells good, but tastes... spicy? It's just not my cup of tea.I think I need to write a letter to Santa in order to reserve my place in line for an xbox.
Dear Santa Clause,
Hi, my name is Lee. You probably remember me. I'm the one that you gave socks to last year. Maybe that was an oversight, but I think I deserved more than socks.
I mean really? Socks? I never even wear socks. I wear high-heels and sandals.
I'm sure you've heard my cries out in the middle of the night... "XBOX! OH, OH XBOX! I NEED AN XBOX!" I'm sorry for that. It wasn't a concious thing. I was asleep the whole time.
Now I'm sure that you may think "Xbox? Girls don't need xboxes. They need dolls and makeup."
Well, this isn't true. I like blowing off the heads of aliens just as much as the next guy.
Infact, maybe more. Have you ever seen a girl PMSing? They're liable to really blow someone's head off. I've seen it happen before... or maybe I'm the one that did it.
Hey, he tried to take my last chocolate bar after I told him not to. You don't do that. Ever.
But I digress. I have been a great kid this year. Sure, sometimes I talked back to my mom, but who hasn't? I SAID THAT I CLEANED MY ROOM, STOP ASKING ME TO GO DO IT.
I never snuck out, I never did drugs. I got all my schoolwork done, and I got a B in algebra! (Did I forget to tell you guys that? Well... I got a B in algebra! Score!)
If you bring me an xbox, I'll be very happy. And you know what I look like when I'm happy?That's right, I look completely awesome. And I give you a thumbs up.
Now please Santa, please. Just take the time to consider this... don't I deserve an xbox just as much as anyone else? Plus I'll look GORGEOUS next to it.
I love you, Santa. But no more socks. Or I'll hunt you down.
xoxo,
Lee

Okay, now this is just ridiculous.

It's snowing again.
It was cool the first time, but the sheen has worn off.
Ever since Raymond spurned me and melted, I just don't care for the snow.
Sure, I could go outside and build another Raymond. Maybe even build two, and hide one in the freezer.
But what would that accomplish? Feeding my need for snowman attention cannot be healthy.
I wish they'd just have a blizzard and be done with it. This whole "snow today, none tomorrow, snow today, hey look a tornado" thing is driving me insane.
Nah. Now that'd be crazy. I'm terrified of tornadoes. One time we were on a trip to Mississippi and I had food poisoning. We stopped at a hotel, and that morning we turned the tv on and they were blaring tornado warnings. I just about soiled my pants. Told my mom we needed to get the heck out of there, whether I was keeping my food down or not.
Needless to say we got to Mississippi, but I did noooot feel well.
I actually miss the holidays back home. I'm originally from Oklahoma, but we moved out to Nevada when I was 5.
Let me back up a bit. And maybe draw a diagram.Okay, so. When I was little, I was born to Paul and Jill. Jill was a bipolar druggie/drinker who had no business having kids in the first place. Paul was just some stupid kid who knocked up Jill. But they got married, and I was brought into the world. Score!
Jerry is Paul's dad. He wasn't married to Carol at the time, but was divorced from Kay. Kay is Paul's mother. Kay is an evil person who needs to be dead. And I never, ever, ever say that about anyone.
When Jerry and Carol saw the living environment I was in, they knew that I needed to be rescued before I ended up abused like my half-siblings that Jill had already given birth to.
For 4 years they battled Jill AND Kay in court. Kay was determined to suck Carol and Jerry dry, and lied to the court in order to make them look bad. (In the end, Carol and Jerry had never lied, but Kay was caught in all of her lies.)
Eventually the case was won by Carol and Jerry, after the two had married eachother. Since then, Carol and Jerry have been mom and dad to me, and nothing else. Paul is dad, too. But usually I refer to him as "my biological dad". You may want to store that in your mind somewhere to keep you from getting confused in the future.
To get away from all of the court drama, my parents took me and moved to Nevada into a new atmosphere. During this time my mom had had breast cancer and my father had been giving blood in order to pay for the legal bills.
Since then we've moved on. I no longer have contact with Jill or Kay, but I do see Paul and talk to him.
My true family, my adopted brothers and sisters on my mom's side, all live in the south. So we go to Mississippi to visit them. Her mom is my "grandma", and my dad's mom is my... relative. Yeah, that side of my family is just a tiny bit crazy. I avoid them.
Infact, I have some stories to share. It's Christmas time, so it's always the time to share crazy family stories.

My dad Jerry's side of the family is nuts. And fat. Like, really fat. Wheelchair fat. I hope to god I never look like them. My uncle is so obese that he had to have back surgery many times. For the pain, he was prescribed a large amount of pain killers. One day, something snapped in his head. He decided the DEA was after him for drugs. One day he jumps in the car and tells Granny, my father's mom, that he's "going to find jesus". She calls the cops, and they pull him over. He lies and says he's just going to the hospital. They let him go, but follow him to make sure he's okay. He thinks they're the DEA following him, and he decides to speed 110 down the freeway. A chase begins, he hits a semi.
He's not dead, but that just shows how crazy my family is.

Anyway, enough about that. Today we went shopping for our neighbors. Every year we make cookies for the neighbors in our cove. This year we have one more set of neighbors to make them for. Last year we just put them on plates, but this year we bought some cute cookie tins. We're going to make the cookies today, since my mom's going to be out of commission next week. She had bladder surgery that was botched a few months ago. (The sling broke inside of her). The whole reason for the surgery was because she couldn't urinate. Now she can't hold it in. I hate her doctor. And I hate cancer. The chemo just destroyed her body. Her teeth all fell out, so she's been having mouth surgery. Anyway, she's having to have her bladder looked at and needs anestetia.
We're going to make cream cheese cookie things. Personally, not looking forward to those. I like bagels with cream cheese, but that's where I draw the line.
Then we're making fruitcake cookies. Again, not looking forward to them. But I'll bite the bullet and bake them because I'm a team player.
Plus I want my xbox.
Seriously.Look at how good I look next to it. We're made for eachother. Like bread and butter. Herpes and hookers. Bonnie and Clyde. Thelma and Louise.
Bad examples.

I went to the chiropractor today. My mom didn't understand what "take a picture of me being adjusted" meant. So she snapped a picture of me on the table with my ass up in the air, with no doctor in sight.
Great job following directions, mommy dearest. To make up for this blunder, I will accept one xbox.
No more, no less.
Here is said picture.I just sent that picture to my friend and he goes "Dentist"?
I said "What the hell dentist do you go to that makes you lay like that? The JAIL dentist?"

Anyway, I think I've rambled enough for one day. Right now I need to go say to my mother in a loud voice "YOU CAN PUT THE BUTTER IN THE MICROWAVE FOR 15 SECONDS TO SOFTEN IT. STOP WAITING FOR IT TO SOFTEN MANUALLY. JESUS WOMAN." again.
Because she says "You can't melt it for cookies."
It doesn't melt in 15 seconds. I made cookies 3 nights ago. I'm not an idiot.

Anyway, ciao.

Oh wait, I almost forgot. My friend told me I'm required to write an epic story including ninjas and unicorns.
One day, in a magical forest far, far away lived a princess hiding in the woods from the evil Karottella. She hid in a cabin with some dwarves, but they weren't that nice. Constantly copping a feel and what not. One day, the cabin was attacked by Karottella's evil henchmen ninjas. The princess was terrified, and the dwarves were too short and stumpy to really be any help in the situation. Suddenly, a handsome prince (who may or may not be compensating for something) rode up on a unicorn with a beautiful horn. The unicorns shanked the ninjas with said horn. While the ninjas ran away in fear, the prince rescued the princess and they now live happily ever after somewhere else. The end.

*sigh* Single Again.

Raymond melted.
I mean, I saw it coming, but it still broke my heart. You know, you get attached to someone and just feel this connection, and then the sun comes out.
What kind of rotten luck is that?
Sure, he was kind of cold sometimes, and he didn't have the biggest personality.
And he couldn't talk because he didn't have a mouth. But it was better that way!
Isn't it always better when the woman does the talking in the relationship?

I should've named him Edward. Sure, he would've melted, but he would come back 6 months later after I jumped off a cliff and had to save him in Italy.
I've always wanted to go to Italy. It would've been a nice trip.
And see, it would be the same scenario. He would try to step out in the sun to kill himself.
So, in some sort of sense, Edward Cullen is kind of like a snowman.
Edward is cold, Raymond was cold.
To kill a snowman, you tear it apart/set it on fire or put it in the sun.
To kill Edward, you tear him apart/set him on fire or let him walk out in the sun in front of the Volturi.

I'll never forget you, Raymond. We shared a day together that was amazing, magical, and f***ing cold.

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas...

So, since I live in Las Vegas I'm used to the drab desert landscape during the holiday season.
Any other time I love the desert. It's dry, it's full of color. But then Christmas rolls around and... it's the same as it has been all year.
Until today.What... what is this cold, white stuff falling from the sky? This is mighty peculiar.
Why is it coating our front yard and making everything slippery? What is this demon magic?!It's stuck in my hair! Get it out! Get it out! Oh wait.. this must be that snow stuff that people speak of during this time of year. Odd. I've only ever seen this happen twice before... but why now?I think the snow compliments our decorations perfectly, don't you?
This is our backyard right now. When I saw this, I decided to use the opportunity to my advantage...
I made a mini snowman! With a mini-scarf, chocolate chip eyes, and twigs for hair!This is me with my new boyfriend, Raymond. Isn't he dreamy?I really like my hat, and the layer of white on the ground! And cut me some slack, I had no makeup on.
I thought I'd take this opportunity to show you our Christmas decorations. :) Tiffany's in the shot. She's a little camera whore.Here's our tree all lit up. I think it's nice looking, don't you?Here's some of our decorations on our mantle. On Christmas we're going to light the fireplace. Heck, now with the snow I think we're going to need it. I'm freaking freezing, and it's snowing harder now than it was a few hours ago!
This is our little toy wonderland. That santa at his workdesk has been with us since I was born. When you turn him on, he starts writing on his list and moving around. And the candle flickers. I love it!

I caught Tiffany staring at the snow. She's just as perplexed by it as I am.!


I'll leave you now with two pictures I took in my front yard that I think are very beautiful, at least to me.

Here's a video of what's going on outside!