Where Are Ya'll?

It's been quiet in bloggyland.
I'm so used to getting at least 10 comments a post... But I haven't hit 10 in a while.
Where'd you guys go?

Today I got my journalism paper back. While almost everyone in the class got a C or D-, me and the guy next to me got A's.
Because we're completely awesome.
So I'm averaging an A in that class right now.

Anthropology was canceled, so I went on to History.
I sat outside of history, chatting with a girl from my class.
I spotted a cute guy in the class, and I was looking through the window. I didn't realize how obvious I was until the teacher waved at me.
I waved back, and then ducked as fast as I could. Man, that was embarrassing.
Explained it to him once I got in class.
He just laughed and laughed. "Which guy?"
My teachers are awesome.

Went to work, work was normal.
We actually sat around for the last two hours with EVERYONE huddled around a computer watching youtube videos.
It was pretty funny. We were even sitting with our boss, Tim.

We watched a bunch of Japanese prank videos, like that one.
Oh yeah, we're so professional. Watching youtube videos, laughing up a storm.
Hey, it's a fun place to work. That's good enough for me.

Anyway, I have to get up at 7 tomorrow, so it's time for bed for me.

Dancing Queen

I made ANOTHER music video.
There's a catch.
This video was made a while ago...

And youtube kept erasing my audio for "copyright", so I went with tinypic.

Just goes to show, I've always had a need for music videos...

Another Sign - Love It

My logical mind likes to super-analyze everything.
Of course most of the time this is my downfall.
You all read about that sign from God I got this weekend.
Yeah, my mind told me it may have just been a coincidence.

Last night I was having a little bit of an issue with my fear.
I was asking Drew to help me get my mind off of it, but being Drew he was too busy watching the TV. I was getting frustrated. I asked him over and over to pay attention, he'd say okay, and then drift back into TV land.
I can understand that. When I have the TV on, my mind tends to drift that way.
But I needed a distraction, and having my distraction distracted wasn't helpful to me.
The fifth time I asked him to pay attention... the cable went out.

Most would say it was a coincidence, but I think about it in these terms.
The night before, I needed a distraction. Remote was dead, and suddenly the TV popped on.
God wanted me to distract myself and calm my fear, which helped me.
Last night, my distraction was distracted. God shut off his cable so that he had nothing to do but help me.

Some may say these are just coincidences... but really, I've never had anything like that happen before.

That first night I assumed it was a coincidence. The second I verbally told Drew that, the remote stopped working, the TV flipped to a random channel, and then the remote worked again.

What do you guys think?

--------

Today at work, it was pretty dead. Some people came in, and the EMT tests are starting up, but it's mostly quiet.
I finished up all of my homework. I even finished most of my big project for Anthropology.
Oh the perks of working at the school.

Well, that was my day/last night.
So... yeah. Signs from God, or just coincidences?

A Sign From God?

Okay, you're all aware that lately my posts have been a bit of a bummer.
Alright, "a bit" is an understatement.
I could make a happy puppy permanently depressed with the posts I've been unleashing on you guys.So for one thing, I'd like to thank you guys for sticking with me through this hard time for me.
Being a teenager, with my thoughts running wild and my hormones doing the same thing, sometimes I just have these issues. Almost everyone I've turned to for help in my life has admitted that at one time, they suffered the same fears as me.
But all of them had a moment where something finally clicked, and they knew there was a heaven. Or SOMETHING at least.

Last night was the worst night for me. I was crying, begging God to give me a sign that he existed. Of course nothing happened. God's not just going to pop up all of a sudden, "Heeeeeeeey Lee, never fear. Jesus is here!"
Yeah, not going to happen.
Well it might, if Jesus is really Buddy Jesus.I finally crawled into bed and Tiffany squirmed onto my lap and quickly fell asleep.
I picked up the TV remote so that I could watch some shows to get my mind off of my unanswered pleas to God.
I hit power, and nothing happened. Okay... I hit power again, nothing. I hit power 20 times, nothing.
Finally I gave up on this too, and I put the remote away. Suddenly, with no warning at all, the TV popped on.
My TV has to warm up for 5 seconds before it turns on, but it didn't this time. It just suddenly popped on, clear as day.

I don't know if this was a sign. But I've never, ever had trouble with my television. It seems to be a weird coincidence that the TV and remote would suddenly work again.
Just because I hit the power button 20 times doesn't mean it would work the 20th time. Something had to happen to make it work.

While my fear is still there, I have calmed down quite a bit.
This was the final piece of the "calm Lee down" puzzle.
The other pieces are:
A.) A quote saying "There is no evidence proving the non-existence of heaven. There are only people that ignore the proof that there is." I realized that that's completely true. There's absolutely NO evidence that heaven doesn't exist. There are only people that deny the proof that there is. Like the scientists that try to explain near death experiences.

B.) EVERYONE I know believes in life after death, and almost every single one of them has had an experience where they either saw heaven, or felt the presence of God.

C.) All of the near death experiences I've read online, plus the ones that my friends and family have told me.

D.) My logical mind. There's no way earth is here on accident. There's no way all of these near death experiences were made up, ESPECIALLY the out of body experiences.

Yeah, I still have this fear. Yeah, it's still going to give me trouble. But I think the worst part is behind me.
At least, I hope so.

Also, how do you guys like the new layout? I wanted Alice in Wonderland... I don't know when I turned to Dark Knight instead. But I did...
I'm mad though, because the little icon I made to go by my posts isn't showing up. And I worked hard on it!Frickin' adorable little joker guy, how I adore thee.

Anyway, Drew's going to be here in a few minutes. We're going to play Yugioh. Yay!

Hey Anonymous!

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Solo Work":

Its a good video, but your dress is a little too slutty.
For someone with body image issues you aren't really wearing much with that little dress...
all for attention much?


Since you're too cowardly to post under your real name, all I've got to say is...
JEALOUS MUCH?Also, it's a corset/skirt combo, so your argument is invalid.

Solo Work

Got bored, wanted to distract myself from my fears, so I did this...
Enjoy!

(It's not particularly good, for the record. I was messing around with new fancier editing software.)


If it's not loaded yet, check back. It was still processing when I posted this.
It's also as high a quality as I could get it. It was 800 MB, and I let it run for 4 hours uploading... and it errored out.
The quality usually improves throughout the day.

Unhealthy Obsession

Okay, this fear of death crap has got to stop.
Now.
Seriously.
You hear me God? Cut it out, because I'm tired of it.
Literally, I am TIRED of it.

I can't sleep at night thinking about this stuff. I go online and try to read things to make myself feel better, and then some psycho-mumbo jumbo jerk tells me that "death probably is THE end."
Wtf is wrong with you. Why can't you calm me down? Why did you have to make me start crying?
At first I didn't think about it at work, and now I do.
And at night, every night, which is why I'm tired. As I was passing out last night, I jolted awake three times with either a thought about death, or a feeling of hopelessness.
I'm going to a psychologist soon, but until then I'm still having to suffer with this.
I don't know what brought it on so strongly, I don't know how I'm going to make it go away.

Maybe... hmm...Awwwwww, puppies!!!
Didn't help.
Oye vey. If puppies can't help, I don't know what will.
But something needs to quick, or I may have to be committed.

(p.s. I filmed some solo "music video" stuff today. Maybe I'll edit it together for you guys...)

Common Sense

Today was pretty much the usual.
I went to lunch with a girl named Anna from my history class (which we had a pop quiz in - I totally screwed it up).
Then I went to work, went as usual. 'Til this one little witch decided she wanted to cop an attitude with me.
She started off in a bad mood to begin with, but I was nice as I could be.
Then I asked for her cellphone, which is standard procedure.
People can't have their cellphones, because they could call/text someone for the answer, or use the phone's calculator.
So I ask for her cellphone. "Uh, you can't have my phone."
"Well, we have to take it. You can't have a phone in the test."
"Uh, I can give you the battery."
"No, we need the phone."
"*dirty look* I just do NOT feel comfortable. I'm putting it in my car."
"*still pleasant* Okay. :)"

Seriously, I hate people that cop an attitude for absolutely no reason. It's disrespectful, and you shouldn't be giving attitude to someone that's handling your test.
If I was vindictive I could have easily tossed out her test and said I didn't have it.
I would never do that, but you know what I mean.

My bad mood was lifted when... well two things really, sort of interconnected.
A.) There EMT trainees had this meeting in a room near our center, and had to wait outside for an hour before it. This is what a lot of them look like, more or less:Yeah. Some serious eye candy.
B.) This EMT walked in and came up to my desk and asked where room D101 was. I looked over at the 100 or so paramedics and went "Umm... probably over there."
He started laughing and said thanks. He was probably embarassed. It was really funny to me. Giant group of obvious EMTs and he didn't see it.
Classic.

Now I'm going to bed... so, yeah. Sleep! Woo!

It Starts to Get to You

Working Thursday was fantastic, Monday was great, and today was still great in the sense that everyone's really nice, and I have a good time.
But I'm tiiiired.
I have to get up at 7 AM Monday-Thursday. Right now I'm pretty zoned out.
I'm not dead tired, but it's enough that I wish I could lay down right now.
But you know me, I have to get done with my blogging before I can lay down.

I got another yugioh package today. One more package to go before all my shipments have arrived.
I actually completely filled my 80 something page rare card book, and I know I have 15 more cards that'll need to go in there.
Bah, too much of a good thing.

Haven't heard much about my grandmother. She's blind now, and paralyzed in one hand. She thinks that she's 54 years old, and that my sister is actually my mother.
So that's a problem. But what could you expect from 50 strokes?

I have class tomorrow, and then I work 2:30-7:30. Then I come home and pass out.
Come October 1st I'm working an hour more than I am right now. So it'll be 23 hours a week.
I'm going to be dead come January.

Workin' Hard

I got home from work at 8:00 tonight, so I've been just kind of relaxing and watching House.
First night of work, 3 more workdays to go this week.

I like where I work. Everyone is funny, everyone is nice.
For the most part at least, but there aren't really any problems.

I'm tired though. I work until 7:30 on Monday. I wake up at 7, so it's 12 1/2 hours being busy and working.
Next day I work 9-3:30, changing to 9-4 Oct. 1st.
Wednesday I work 'til 7:30 until Oct. 1st, then it changes to 6:30.
And then Thursday, 9-3:30 until Oct. 1st, you get the picture.

Today went pretty smoothly. I wasn't on my A game when I first got there. I kept messing up the little things, stuff I could turn around and fix. I'd type something in wrong, or lose track of a paper.
Someone called and asked about CLEP testing, and I gave them wrong information. I gave them what I had been told, but I hadn't gotten it explained well, so I misunderstood.
But Tim can deal with it if anyone's mad. I'm just training!

Got home, had some tomato soup, opened more ebay packages. Got these:More yugioh cards! Yaaay!
Two packages left, hope I get them soon. It's a nice thing to get when I come home from work. Love it.

Tomorrow I've gotta work early. Hope ya'll have been doing alright.
(My fear is... still lingering in the background. Slowly fading.)

Rescue Me

So we're finally getting the newest season of Rescue Me from netflix.
We've watched the first DVD, and now we're onto the second one.

For a while we spent every night watching Rescue Me.Then we ran out of DVDs, so we were extremely pissed. We waited the 2 months, and now we get to see it again.
It's a depressing show. Very little comedy in it. But it's still pretty entertaining.

Lately to help calm my fear of death I've been reading the Twilight series again. Something about it has a soothing effect on my nerves. If the fear starts to creep back in, I pop open Eclipse and read a chapter or two.
I also keep repeating to myself "I'm not going to die for a long time, and when I do I'm going to heaven."
Usually helps to sooth my fears.
I have to take it one step at a time.

I can't wait until work on Monday... and Tuesday... and dear god I work almost every weekday. Balls.
Still, I can't wait. I love working!I'm wearing the mask on the weekends, to clear up what pops up from wearing makeup to work 4 days a week.

A Sincere Plea

Okay guys, I'm reaching out to you.
I know many of you are spiritual in some way.

I have had an overwhelming fear of death for about a year.
It went away for 7 months, but recently (with everything involving my grandmother), it has resurfaced.
My fear is that of the afterlife. What happens to me after I die? Where do I go? Do I just stop existing? That is my BIGGEST fear. Non-existence.

It consumes my head, especially at night. Sometimes I am reduced to having panic attacks.
Then I have to pull out my sleeping pill/anti-depressant and pray to God that I can get to sleep.

I don't exactly know what I'm asking of you. Stories to help squelch my fears. Some sort of re-assurance. Someone that understands my fear, and knows how I can at least calm it.

I know that it is something that will probably not go away for a long time, if ever. My mom has told me that my young mind can't understand it yet, because I haven't experienced life.
I get that, and I know it's true. But it doesn't stop me from thinking about it.

My mind goes into the morbid, which I won't go into here. But I lay there in bed thinking "one day this body will be empty". And then I start hyper-ventilating, and then crying, sometimes shaking in the fetal position.

It makes me feel weak, it makes me feel embarrassed. I'm almost ashamed to write about it here, and I'm also nervous about the response I'll receive. I don't want to scare people away. I promise I'm usually more chipper, at least in my posts. But all of you seem to have such firm roots in your religion, no matter what religion you may be.
You are the people I knew I should turn to.

So can you help?

For the record, this post was meant for Friday. I accidentally hit "Publish Post" in my tired, anxious stupor.

First Day of Work

So I shifted my hours today. Now I work 9 to 3:30.
This requires me to take a 30 minute lunch break, so I have 6 paid hours on Tuesday and Thursday.
Today was the busiest I'll see for a while, because it's the last day for late registration.

I answered phones, input things into the computers, took people back to do their tests.
I even got my own name tag.

For the record, after I thought about it, putting a pic of my ID wasn't necessarily the brightest thing.
Not the worst thing, since you guys all knew that A.) I'm in community college (And there's only one in Las Vegas) B.) I work in the testing center and C.) My full name is my email address
It's not like you learned anything new about me. So whatever.
So, anonymous, I took it down.
And your message was remarkably creepy.

I'm apparently a proctor.
I work with some cool people. The guy named Richard works my entire shift on tue-thur, and my entire shift minus 30 minutes on mon-wed.

Answering the phone was the scariest part for me, but I got over it pretty fast. "Testing center, this is Lee speaking, how may I help you?"

One girl spoke in such thick chinese or japanese that I put her on hold and handed the phone to someone else. Everyone else I helped pretty well.
I like pressing the hold button. I feel all powerful.
"Muahhahaha, I could leave you on hold FOREVER!"

I could also screw up people's scores and ruin their educational future.
But I would NEVER do that.

Anyway, I'm going to go lay down. I'm TIRED.

Working 9 to... 2.

DARN, so close. I technically cannot work 9 to 5. I'm permitted 8 hours a day.
Monday and Wednesday I work 2:30 to 7:30.
Tuesday and Thursday I work 9:00 to 2:00.
No work on Friday. I can work overtime whenever they need me, but this is my initial schedule. It means I'm working 20 hours a week, sometimes more when they ask for it.
I'm allowed up to 25 hours a week, so I'm not that short from the maximum.

I start tomorrow. It's my "paid training" day. I have to turn in my timesheets every 6th and 21st of the month, so I have to turn in 10 hours on Monday, which amounts to $80. Woooo.
I finished up a lot of journalism work today, and there's not much else too it.

I ran by the old gamestop, and everyone that used to work there has moved on to other stores. I'll miss the good old days.I guess everyone has to move on at some point.
But ya couldn't have called me or something?
I walked over there for nothing!

Oh well... tomorrow is my new beginning.
Workin' woman.

Work Study

I got a call today to come down and sign my contract for work study.
So, I did. Tomorrow I have to get my supervisor to sign the forms and work out my schedule, and then voila, I'm a workin' broad.
I'm like Dolly Parton.Except, I'm not blonde, I don't have giant breasts, and I would never wear a sequin jumpsuit.
Okay that's a lie. I totally would.

Other than that I just slept today. I went through my yugioh cards last night, I got some neat ones.
For dinner tonight I get to have steak with MESQUITE A1 SAUCE.They stopped carrying it for a year. It was ridiculous. It tastes like heaven.
But now... I get to have it again.
Miracles really do happen.

------------------------
Update on my Grandmother:
They did an MRI on my grandmother today. It was worse than we originally thought. She did have 2 heart attacks, like we knew. But they saw in the scan that she had major brain damage. She had 50 strokes.
50.
She's in a brain damage/medicine induced coma right now. Every time she starts to wake up, they have to pump her with more medicine because she becomes very agitated. Right now she is non-responsive and has a feeding tube.

So, she has had 2 heart attacks and 50 strokes in the past 5 days. The doctor says it is possible for her to recover from this, but she can't have surgery for at least 6 weeks, and there's no way to know what can happen between now and then. Please continue to pray for my grandmother.

Self Control

I've lost my personal restraint.
I had over $300 in my paypal, and now I have $193.
Yep, yugioh cards.
I mean, they're something I'll use for a long time. Trade, sell later for the inflated price.
So I won't really lose anything.
Plus it was my paypal money. Nothing I could use on anything in person.
And most of it is for Christmas presents for my family.

But still. I don't want to spend more. I even saved myself from spending more for 3 days.
And then some of my cards got here, and they were damaged.
So I spent another $10.

I have a problem with OCD. I've been diagnosed with it. When I get excited about something, I can't stop myself.
I need to figure out some way to satiate this without spending anymore money, because I'm getting frickin' ridiculous.

Here's the good part though. I know I've somewhat turned a profit. I got $60 worth of cards, and then I did the math and I realized I had another $86 worth of cards.
So I have $146 worth of cards already, and those are two that I KNOW I have. I still have a BUNCH of cards left to come.

You can laugh at me, but that's not what I want. I want tips on how to cure this addiction.
Some of you are addicted to purses, others electronics. I know most of you have probably overcome some addiction or severe urge somehow.
How do I do it? I want this remaining $190 for Christmas presents!
Please, really, don't criticize me. I'm embarrassed on my own about it. I'm just so excited about playing this game, I wanted the perfect collection.

------------------
Update on my Grandmother:
She suffered one heart attack that sent her to the hospital this weekend. Her blood pressure was stable for about a day. The next night she suffered another heart attack.
They performed exploratory surgery. She has a 90% blockage in one heart artery, 80% in another, one is collapsed, and the artery leading to her kidney is 100% blocked.
They now suspect that she suffered a stroke yesterday, but because she won't wake up because of the medicine, they don't really know.
So that's how that is.
------------------

I'm really enjoying my classes now. Journalism and Anthropology are a lot of fun for me. It's a lot of story telling and class participation. I also enjoy my history class. Mostly because I've taken 102 already, so I've been able to answer certain questions that others don't really know.
My teachers are all very, very nice. So I feel like I have been very fortunate this semester.

Hopefully things continue this way at school.

Moderately Quiet Weekend

The weekend has started off pretty quietly.
Except for the wheezing, sneezing, and nose blowing.
Plus the moans and groans of pain.

I hate being sick. I've slept for most of the day. Everytime I lay down to watch television, I wake up 30 minutes later.
I guess last weekend got me sick, because I was busy so much. I let my immune system go down, which got me sick.

I could take everything that comes with being sick if it weren't for the inability to taste.
I HATE that. Whenever I'm sick, my mom makes the best food. That's sort of cruel, don't you think?
She's making fudge right now. Fudge! I can't taste it! Why would you do that!?

Hopefully I'll start to get better soon. I can't spend the rest of my September sick.

An Addiction/A Prayer

Well ever since Anime Vegas, I have developed a severe addiction.
I'm addicted to buying Yu-Gi-Oh cards.This is a very, very pricey addiction. I've already spent $100 on cards and two accessories... and I still want to buy more.
I keep scouring Ebay, finding these amazing deals. I have about 700 cards coming. I found this deal to get 500 for $30... and I REALLY want to do it.
The rest of the money in my paypal is going to Christmas gifts for my family anyway.

But I know better. I'm not allowing myself to buy anymore, especially not until the first set gets here.

I don't know what came over me. I just really enjoyed playing Yu-Gi-Oh with Drew, and I just wanted to keep doing it at any cost.
Not only that, but I've been reading manga, and watching anime. I think the convention has officially turned me into a giant dork.
---------
Last night and today has been very stressful for my family.
My mom got a call from my cousin at around 9. She said that she thought my grandmother needed to go to the hospital, but wouldn't go.
So my mom called my grandmother and told her that my cousin was taking her to the hospital.

Once she got there, they ran tests, and he blood pressure was ridiculously high. Her legs then began to swell.
They told us today that my grandmother had had a heart attack.They had to transfer her to the hospital in Jackson, because the hospital she was in was not set up for these sort of things.
So now we sit, wait, and worry.
Please pray for my Lala.

Anime Vegas - Day Three

Anime Vegas 2009 Pictures Day One
Anime Vegas 2009 Pictures Day Two
Anime Vegas 2009 Pictures Day Three
I HAVE OTHER PHOTOS, JUST ASK AND I'LL EMAIL THEM TO YOU

So this post wraps up the ungodly amount of pictures I took this weekend.
I hope you've had at least a little bit of fun taking a peak at the weirdness that went on, and the fun too.
If not... too bad. It's my blog, it was my weekend, and you have to LOOK AT IT ANYWAY.
Or just leave now, I don't really care.
yes i do...
Anyway... enjoy the last of the pictures, tomorrow I'll be back to my regularly scheduled talking.Here's a little story about this panel. This was the "Let's Make a Deal" panel. I went to it without Drew. While I was there, this lovely girl named Rebekah walked in. I have never met Rebekah. Rebekah can go f-herself because of things she did two years ago, the first time I was dating Drew. She ruined my morning just by breathing near me. I ruined hers by glaring at her the entire time until she left the panel. And I'm pretty sure she actually left the convention because of the lust for her blood in my eyes.
And if you knew what she did, you'd know she deserved it. But I'll never tell you guys.
Me and Link. The irony is that Link is supposed to be tiny, and yet I'm the tiny one.
I forget who this is, but they have a neat costume.
Me and two really neat guys. I always try to just stand at their side, because I don't want to try to be all buddy-buddy when I'm taking the picture. But they were like "Get in the middle!".
Me laying on Drew while we waited to get an autograph from Steve Blum. A famous voice actor. It was an hour wait, and it hadn't even started yet, so I HAD to lay on someone.
Drew in his goggles
My reflection in Drew's goggles
Looking back at Drew and the camera accidentally goes off
My shoes waiting in line. See those people? They're in line too. Ahead of us. The line curves. A lot.
Me and Steve Blum, who is eating my ear.
Me and banana guy!
Me and... that guy from Yugioh.
Neat costumes... I forget what they are.
Me and loin cloth guy! He looks awfully happy...
I swear, it looks like he's groping me. Completely.
Me and Drew hanging out playing Yugioh.
Our cards mid-game.
Hmm... how do I beat him?
I know! With these cards!
The picture that started it all... the adventures of my "Gloomy bear".
The last panel of the convention... awwwww....

Gloomy bear at the panel
Drew and gloomy bear
Gloomy bear and the crowd... I love this picture for some reason. Plus banana guy makes a cameo.
Gloomy bear and the stairs.
Me and gloomy...
Me and Drew waiting to get picked up
After Drew got picked up, I watched some people in a circle playing video game charades. This guy was acting something out, and I caught him mid jump.
Gloomy wanted to watch the action.
Gloomy in the car on the way home
Gloomy snapping a picture in the car mirror
Me biting gloomy, before he can bite me
Gloomy posing with my anime vegas swag.
Two ramune bottles, and a mini-sword. The sword was only $10, and I thought it was really neat.
The deathnote shirt that I bought on Sunday, and wore all day Monday.
The white rabbit necklace I bought on Saturday and wore both Saturday and Sunday.
My Anime Vegas section on my cork board.
My Hillywood autographs.
And, of course, the manga I won at "Let's Make a Deal". Manga is a type of japanese comic book. It reads from right to left instead of left to right. Even on the inside, you go from the right corner to the left. It's pretty weird to get used to.

So, that was the entire convention. Hope you liked it!Oh, and my cat ears hat. Can't forget that. And Gloomy... he was swag too.