Friday, July 24, 2009

Time to Come Clean

Alright, I try to refrain from doing "serious" posts, since most people don't want to read these mopey blogs that are a downer.
But for once, I feel like it's necessary for me to address some things in my life that I've been keeping to myself.

I have an eating disorder.
Two, actually.
I'm anorexic and bulemic. I'm not bulemic in the sense that you all think of, but I am bulemic nonetheless.

When I weighed 142 pounds, my mom would poke fun at me. She'd tell me I was chubby, that I had a muffin top, that I had "junk in my trunk". People don't realize that what they say leaves a lasting impression. When she called me chubby, or chunky, or anything similar, I would break down inside.
So when I started losing weight, I wanted to get as far from "chubby" as I could.
I started with treadmill, added in situps and leg exercises, and I got down to 125. My goal weight.
But then the weight kept coming off. 125 turned to 118; 118 turned to 115; and 115 turned to 112.
I got power hungry, determined to keep dropping weight, no matter how low I got.
When I popped back up to 114, I was angry with myself. Why couldn't I lose more? Why am I gaining again?

I was weighing myself 10 times a day, after every meal, after every drink, after exercising, when I woke up, when I went to sleep.

This started the struggle in my head. "What if I gain it all back?" "What if I get fat again?"
So I stopped eating.
Well, I didn't necessarily stop. I just ate less. I counted calories on everything. I know I'm supposed to get 1500-2000 calories a day, so I aimed for 1000. And ONLY 1000.
While I'm not like most anorexics, that eat almost nothing, I still starved myself of nutrients and foods that I needed.

When my weight popped back up, even by just a pound, I popped laxatives. This is where the bulemia set in. I told myself that they were only vegetable laxatives, not the really serious ones. I would pop 5, even though the recommended dose was 2. This would leave me in agony, because everything was rushed out of my system so fast.
I would wake up in the middle of the night and run to the bathroom over and over again.
I told myself that what I was doing wasn't wrong.
I know it was wrong.

After popping another 5 laxatives a few nights ago, I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand what I was doing to myself. I told my mom what I did, and I asked her to get rid of the laxatives and get me some help.
She poured them down the toilet, and we talked for a while. I told her it wasn't something I could control. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I couldn't stop myself.

So yesterday she called around and found me a counselor that works specifically with teens that have eating disorders. There's also a nutritionist, and a few other people that I could go see if I needed to.
She also hid the scale so that I couldn't weigh myself anymore.
My mom decided to create a new diet plan for me. Instead of 3 big meals a day, I get 6 small meals. That way I can't complain about being "bloated", because there isn't enough food inside of me at one time for me to complain about.

Today I feel fat, miserable, and ashamed. Which is even more shaming. I know that I'm fine, but my mind tells me otherwise. When I look in the mirror, I see all of my flaws. My thighs jiggle, my hips are wide, my stomach is a little poochy.
But hopefully with the help of my counselor, I can learn to take it day by day.

19 comments:

Me said...

I believe that one of the first steps in healing is admitting that you have a problem! Hang in there! {Hugs}

Sarah said...

Let me just say that as a woman, I think MOST of us do this...we look in the mirror and we see a stomach pouch, a little cellulite (that has just started becoming visible on my backside), a jiggle here and there. No, most don't take it to extremes but the mentality is the same. I am constantly aware of how I look, how big my stomach is, how bloated I am, and what I eat. During my last break up my thoughts really spun out of control for awhile...4 weeks to be exact. I got down to 110 and wore a size 0 for the first time. Even now I will admit that I loved being that thin, but I was being really mean to my body. It helps me to think about my body as a seperate person, a person I love, part of me, and I want to be nice to that person. Hopefully a counselor can help, I think this is something that SO many girls AND women struggle with. It can't hurt!

TeeTee said...

Lee,
I think it was very, very brave of you to admit this. I'm glad you decided to talk to your mother, and decided to get help.

You are not fat, you are beautiful. I see all of my flaws when I look into the mirror, too, but I tell myself that who you are on the inside matters much, much more.

I wish you luck on your journey, I am praying for you.

- TeeTee

Brandi said...

((HUGS)) It's gonna be a long and tough road, but you can do this! Recognizing and admitting that you have this problem, telling your mom AND asking for help are a huge step that most of us can't even fathom taking! You're awesome just for doing that! I won't tell you that you're not fat, that you're beautiful, etc. It's true, but as someone who also struggles with these issues each and every day of my life, I know it probably makes you feel worse. You are a strong woman, I admire your courage and your strength and wish you nothing but luck in this journey. If you ever need to talk, you know how to get ahold of me. :)

Sheri said...

I am really, really proud of you to admit that you have a problem and are willing to share with all of us about it. I think that your Blog Friends will give you great support and help you through this. ::hugs!::

I know too well that eating disorders are not healthy and are not an easy thing to kick. When I was 17-22ish I was bulimic but not totally, which I guess made me think it was "okay" since I didn't throw up after each meal. Only big ones and then I'd exercise a lot. However, it wrecked my nutrition up and metabolism too. I hate how I look right now, and I know that if I were to go back to that I'd lose weight - but I'd be so much unhealthier, so I don't do it. It is still a struggle, but one I fight each day. Right now I'm just eating right and exercising, the weight is coming off again slowly, but at least I know I'm not malnourshing myself. :)

The 6 small meals a day is a really good idea. So is the counseling and such too. I hope that you soak it all in and can fight this too. If you need to talk more, e-mail me. :)

::big hug!::

Jacky said...

I definitely struggle with my body--I see every little "problem". Hang in there, girl! You are beautiful. =)

Kristina P. said...

I am so glad you are getting into counseling. This is treatable, and acknowledging it and wanting to work through it is a huge step.

I'm proud of you!

Yaya said...

First of all, you are not fat, at all. You are extremely thin. But I have dealt with body-image-distortion so I know no matter how much people tell you you are thin you will see what you think you see. Yes, I think counseling will help. I'm glad you have made this decision. My cousin (who is one of my bff's) has been battling bulemia for 13 years. She's getting better, with therapy, but she still has a long way to go. I see her struggle over every calorie and it breaks my heart. I see her analyze every pound and I just wanna throw the scale out the window. I hope your new counselor will come up with a good plan for you. I don't know if quitting the scale cold turkey will help, you probably need to gradually reduce it.

I know what you mean about bloat making you feel fat. I get that too. I get that when I eat a lot of salty stuff. I think the nutritionist is a great idea.

Lee, you've been through a lot in your short life so far. It makes sense that an eating disorder has entered your life as a means for you to feel some control over (what used to be) a very out-of-control childhood. You have to realize that the childhood you had with your bio-mom is not the life you are living anymore. You are safe. You are in control. I'm sorry your Mom has said degrading comments to you. I think a lot of parents don't realize that what they say has such a lasting effect.

Please get yourself healthy. I'll be thinking of you.

Kitten said...

Lee--It was really brave of you to come out and tell us about this. Know that you have our support and encouragement to help you with this battle. You are doing the right thing by going to counseling and talking with your mom.

I agree with Yaya about how parents don't realize how much their comments have an effect on their kids.

I'll be thinking of you during your journey to getting healthy.

Erin said...

I am so glad you are getting the help you need! You can do it! I am your biggest cheerleader.

Wendyburd1 said...

Lee I am SO proud of you! It took such courage to admit you have a problem, not only to yourself but to others. And I am so glad you went to someone who can get you the help you have acknowledged you need.

I know a lot of this must stem from you needing to have control over some part of your life, but I am so happy you want to get better. You are such a beautiful girl, from the inside out. I know how the comments from others can affect a person, I have had to deal with them for a long time. It is so tempting to give in and do something that will hurt your body in the long run, but I know you CAN and WILL be strong and beat this. I know you didn't feel it, but you never needed to lose any weight, you were perfect just as you were and I HAVE seen the "before" pics, you were a healthy young lady blessed with a good metabolism. Don't let any family members own issues, make you put your own life in jeopardy! (HUGS)

You know you can email me anytime, I am here for you. A lot of people are! ((HUGS))

Kaitlyn and Daniel said...

This is like reading my own thoughts. I'm glad you're going to see a counselor and nutritionist. I did that and was diagnosed with EDNOS and dysthymia.

Day by day is the only way you can take it. It's going to kick your ass every single day. But if I can do it, so can you. I haven't been on the scale in 3 months and it feels really good.

Keep your chin up--you're beautiful and you can beat this!

If you ever want to talk you can email me. I'd love to talk to you. kmr3j @ mtsu.edu

ramsam said...

I am so proud of you for realizing that this is a real problem and getting professinal help, I think that is HUGE, and I am glad you love yourself enough to do it.

I can't believe how much better I have felt about myself as I have aged and learned more about life and who I am. remember this is all a big journey, we are constantly learning and changing, and we do have a divininty inside us that will always guide is. Life is a beautiful thing, and you are a beautiful participant in this world!
Please e-mail me anytime you need to vent and need a listening ear...believe me, I've heard it all. And hang in there for now. *hug*

Angela said...

((((hugs))))

Lucy said...

I wish you all the best in the world! I am glad you are getting professional help and you went to your mother. All the right steps, now take it one day at a time, one day at a time. Actually, start smaller, one hour at a time. Each hour you get through leads to a better you!

Clueless_Mama said...

First, it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there. It is hard to share these things and I think it is so amazing that you have. Don't beat yourself up if you struggle daily. Eating disorders are extremely hard to get past. My sister has had one since she was 15 and she is now 39. She still struggles with her appearance and she is one of the most beautiful people I know inside and out. Love yourself and continue being open about how you feel. You are NOT alone so never feel ashamed! You are in my thoughts.

Jules said...

Glad you're trying work on things - I never could express what was going on to anyone and it's rough. Take it one step at a time and it can get better.

Liz said...

Glad that you are getting help. I think you've taken a good first step.

Carmen said...

It's good that you reached out! I hope everything works out!

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