Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Okay, now this is just ridiculous.

It's snowing again.
It was cool the first time, but the sheen has worn off.
Ever since Raymond spurned me and melted, I just don't care for the snow.
Sure, I could go outside and build another Raymond. Maybe even build two, and hide one in the freezer.
But what would that accomplish? Feeding my need for snowman attention cannot be healthy.
I wish they'd just have a blizzard and be done with it. This whole "snow today, none tomorrow, snow today, hey look a tornado" thing is driving me insane.
Nah. Now that'd be crazy. I'm terrified of tornadoes. One time we were on a trip to Mississippi and I had food poisoning. We stopped at a hotel, and that morning we turned the tv on and they were blaring tornado warnings. I just about soiled my pants. Told my mom we needed to get the heck out of there, whether I was keeping my food down or not.
Needless to say we got to Mississippi, but I did noooot feel well.
I actually miss the holidays back home. I'm originally from Oklahoma, but we moved out to Nevada when I was 5.
Let me back up a bit. And maybe draw a diagram.Okay, so. When I was little, I was born to Paul and Jill. Jill was a bipolar druggie/drinker who had no business having kids in the first place. Paul was just some stupid kid who knocked up Jill. But they got married, and I was brought into the world. Score!
Jerry is Paul's dad. He wasn't married to Carol at the time, but was divorced from Kay. Kay is Paul's mother. Kay is an evil person who needs to be dead. And I never, ever, ever say that about anyone.
When Jerry and Carol saw the living environment I was in, they knew that I needed to be rescued before I ended up abused like my half-siblings that Jill had already given birth to.
For 4 years they battled Jill AND Kay in court. Kay was determined to suck Carol and Jerry dry, and lied to the court in order to make them look bad. (In the end, Carol and Jerry had never lied, but Kay was caught in all of her lies.)
Eventually the case was won by Carol and Jerry, after the two had married eachother. Since then, Carol and Jerry have been mom and dad to me, and nothing else. Paul is dad, too. But usually I refer to him as "my biological dad". You may want to store that in your mind somewhere to keep you from getting confused in the future.
To get away from all of the court drama, my parents took me and moved to Nevada into a new atmosphere. During this time my mom had had breast cancer and my father had been giving blood in order to pay for the legal bills.
Since then we've moved on. I no longer have contact with Jill or Kay, but I do see Paul and talk to him.
My true family, my adopted brothers and sisters on my mom's side, all live in the south. So we go to Mississippi to visit them. Her mom is my "grandma", and my dad's mom is my... relative. Yeah, that side of my family is just a tiny bit crazy. I avoid them.
Infact, I have some stories to share. It's Christmas time, so it's always the time to share crazy family stories.

My dad Jerry's side of the family is nuts. And fat. Like, really fat. Wheelchair fat. I hope to god I never look like them. My uncle is so obese that he had to have back surgery many times. For the pain, he was prescribed a large amount of pain killers. One day, something snapped in his head. He decided the DEA was after him for drugs. One day he jumps in the car and tells Granny, my father's mom, that he's "going to find jesus". She calls the cops, and they pull him over. He lies and says he's just going to the hospital. They let him go, but follow him to make sure he's okay. He thinks they're the DEA following him, and he decides to speed 110 down the freeway. A chase begins, he hits a semi.
He's not dead, but that just shows how crazy my family is.

Anyway, enough about that. Today we went shopping for our neighbors. Every year we make cookies for the neighbors in our cove. This year we have one more set of neighbors to make them for. Last year we just put them on plates, but this year we bought some cute cookie tins. We're going to make the cookies today, since my mom's going to be out of commission next week. She had bladder surgery that was botched a few months ago. (The sling broke inside of her). The whole reason for the surgery was because she couldn't urinate. Now she can't hold it in. I hate her doctor. And I hate cancer. The chemo just destroyed her body. Her teeth all fell out, so she's been having mouth surgery. Anyway, she's having to have her bladder looked at and needs anestetia.
We're going to make cream cheese cookie things. Personally, not looking forward to those. I like bagels with cream cheese, but that's where I draw the line.
Then we're making fruitcake cookies. Again, not looking forward to them. But I'll bite the bullet and bake them because I'm a team player.
Plus I want my xbox.
Seriously.Look at how good I look next to it. We're made for eachother. Like bread and butter. Herpes and hookers. Bonnie and Clyde. Thelma and Louise.
Bad examples.

I went to the chiropractor today. My mom didn't understand what "take a picture of me being adjusted" meant. So she snapped a picture of me on the table with my ass up in the air, with no doctor in sight.
Great job following directions, mommy dearest. To make up for this blunder, I will accept one xbox.
No more, no less.
Here is said picture.I just sent that picture to my friend and he goes "Dentist"?
I said "What the hell dentist do you go to that makes you lay like that? The JAIL dentist?"

Anyway, I think I've rambled enough for one day. Right now I need to go say to my mother in a loud voice "YOU CAN PUT THE BUTTER IN THE MICROWAVE FOR 15 SECONDS TO SOFTEN IT. STOP WAITING FOR IT TO SOFTEN MANUALLY. JESUS WOMAN." again.
Because she says "You can't melt it for cookies."
It doesn't melt in 15 seconds. I made cookies 3 nights ago. I'm not an idiot.

Anyway, ciao.

Oh wait, I almost forgot. My friend told me I'm required to write an epic story including ninjas and unicorns.
One day, in a magical forest far, far away lived a princess hiding in the woods from the evil Karottella. She hid in a cabin with some dwarves, but they weren't that nice. Constantly copping a feel and what not. One day, the cabin was attacked by Karottella's evil henchmen ninjas. The princess was terrified, and the dwarves were too short and stumpy to really be any help in the situation. Suddenly, a handsome prince (who may or may not be compensating for something) rode up on a unicorn with a beautiful horn. The unicorns shanked the ninjas with said horn. While the ninjas ran away in fear, the prince rescued the princess and they now live happily ever after somewhere else. The end.

14 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Wow, that is some crazy family history!

And I still need to see a damn chiropractor!

Yaya said...

A) love your fairytale story-you should totally try to sell that to Disney.

B) I've come to the conclusion that every family is crazy and that the ones that "appear" perfect are the craziest of them all! Loved your family tree diagram.

Hula's Secret Blog said...

Had food poisoning once-SUCKED!!!!!!

Never been to a chiropractor-something about getting my back cracked seems creepy to me!

Liz said...

Wow! What a family history. I think every family has some off the wall somebody in it.

The Leijte's in Vegas said...

What about this snow??

Wendyburd1 said...

Oh Lee. you always entertain!! Crazy family stories!! My Dad is suggesting I go back to my chiropractor, thinks maybe adjustments could help with zee migraines. I am willing to try...anything. LOL!

blueviolet said...

I wish there was a family tree devoid of the crazies but I just don't think it so. And what idiot put the word fun into the middle of dys-fun-ctional?

Kelsey said...

I love your blog!!
This is the first time I've been here and I will definitely be back. Your writing cracked me up and that's just what I needed this morning.

I know ALL about crazy families. Your bio mom sounds exactly like my bio mom actually. I haven't seen her for years though so it's all good.

I work for a chiropractor and the guy still won't do anything for my back! Ughh maybe I should find a new one after all.

sandy said...

Great family tree. Crazy or not family is family.

Mary said...

aren't families the best! ;o)

I hope you get an Xbox...I am completely addicted to Guitar Hero. And I jump in on Xbox live with my sweetie and play the shoot'em up, kill'em all games...fun times!

Jess to the Lo said...

So much for global warming huh!? ;)

Thanks for stopping by and sharing in my joy! :D

The Leijte's in Vegas said...

I have crazy family as well, that my husband WILL NEVER EVER meet.. He Would have 2nd thoughts! lo.. How in the heck do you end up in collage at 15? That is amazing! I hope my son is that smart, or is hard on you?? If you want some serious killer cookie recipes, got to ThePioneerWoman.com site. I have made three of her recipes, and they are to die for.. I need a chiro, in the N. Las Vegas area, maybe yours knows one. I woke up so stiff from the cold and I do suffer from really bad headaches. Puke, lay on bathroom floor, puke again.. This happens about 4 times a year, but trust me that is enough. Have a great holiday. Yes I was kidding about baby sitter. I am a freak and only let my husband and dad do it.

Cant Hardly Wait said...

my uncle is the town sandman.

hope that makes ya feel better.

Angela said...

I love crazy family stories. My uncle is a cult leader...er...kinda.

You look mighty fine beside that xbox :)

herpes and hookers...LOL!

Dentist? ya...first thing I thought of. har!

handsome princes are always compensating for something...and looking in the mirror at the same time. ha

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