Monday, March 30, 2009

La Chica Es Loco!

The title is irrelevant, just something I yelled at my mom a few minutes ago.
So just F.Y.I on that part.

The first part of this post will have to take a serious turn because this is something that I have been dealing with for months now and have finally come to terms with.
I have an eating disorder/body dysmorphic. While I haven't been officially diagnosed, I've seen all of the signs and while "anorexic" is not necessarily true (I eat ample portions regularly), body dysmorphic is.
I weigh myself compulsively, up to 20 times a day. If I gain a few ounces, I do anything that is NOT bodily harm (as in vomiting and such) to remove the ounces.
I have consistently weighed between 120-124 over the past few days, and anytime I get into 124 territory I complain of how fat I am, or how fat my midsection is.
While this in itself is a problem, the problem grows worse as my day goes on. I change clothes many times because everything makes me look fat in my eyes.
I feel that I'm not good enough because my stomach isn't flat like other girls. I have a grotesque fear that I will wind up weighing 400 pounds just like my biological mother.

This could also be OCD, but because I tend to lock in on a flaw on my body and agonize over it for days at a time, I feel that body dysmorphic fits me the best.
What's worse is that I KNOW that I have a problem, but something inside of me does not allow me to rationally work through this problem on my own.

Because of this and my fear of death, plus other problems I have been dealing with, I am going to see a psychologist soon. And I'm happy about that. I need the help.
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This next part about me is, once again, depressing. (YOU BETTER MAKE FUNNY COMMENTS. I HAVE SOME FUNNY PICTURES IN THIS POST, DAMNIT!)
I am going back to Tennessee to see my family in June. This is a great thing, I love my family.
The not-so-great thing is that my "cousin/devil spawn" will be there.
He is the one that helped ruin my chance at a normal childhood.
This horrid person molested me when I was 8 years old, and threatened to kill me if I told anyone.
Well, all of my family knows what he did. But my grandparents are so old-fashioned that they think I need to just "get over it". I have post-traumatic stress about what he did, another reason for the psychologist.
I told my mom that if he comes near me, I'm not afraid to say some of the most vile things that could ever come out of my mouth.
The fact that I may have to come face-to-face with this monster completely terrifies me. What the hell do you say to someone as sick as this?
The only hope I have is that I will not have to see him, and that if I do, I will have the strength to say "Get the f*ck away from me. If you ever come near me again, me or someone else in this room will beat the sh*t out of you without blinking an eye. And hopefully they'll kill you if they do it right."
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Worst picture ever to start off a happy post, but it's significant in the first story of the past few days. I was asleep, it was 4:30 in the morning on Saturday. I was dreaming of Unicorns and Vampires and Umpires, when suddenly my dreamland is interrupted with "HWUCK, HWUCK, HWUCK, HWUCK."
I awake to see Tiffany standing in her bed trying to dislodge something, presumably a hairball, from her throat. This is just fine, since she lays back down a second later.
And then another 2 seconds pass, she stands up, HWUCKHWUCKHWUCKBLEEEEH.
She threw up on my sheets.
She got OUT OF HER BED for the SOUL PURPOSE of throwing up on my sheets.
I had to clean it up, but it was 4:30 in the morning mind you, so I wiped it up, threw away the kleenex, pulled her bed over the spot, and went back to sleep.
Lovely way to start that day, huh?

But the day got better when I went to the mall with my mom. We didn't really find anything, until I saw something in a store window that I just had to have. My mom saw me lusting for it, and handed me a 50 and said "Go get it."
Here IT is:
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Oh Edward, why must you stand there as stiff as cardboard? Oh, that's right. You are cardboard. But still just as dreamy in 2 dimensions.
But let me tell you, this thing is a nightmare when you forget you have it. All yesterday my mom and I kept turning the corner into my room and going OH MY GO... oh right.
He really looks like someone standing there waiting to kill you.
I woke up this morning to "OH SHI... oh. Oh right."
Tiffany was terrified of him. I set him up, she looked up at his face, arched her back, widened her eyes, hissed and ran like hell backwards refusing to break eye-cardboard contact with him.
Funny stuff, let me tell you.
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I also bought these candies. Sparkly sweethearts that say Twilight crap on them? Count me in!
They smell like crap, and I haven't bothered to taste them yet. They're "passion fruit" and crap.
I prefer just normal mint.

Yesterday was also a big day for Tiffy baby. She took her first out-of-cage car ride since the first day we brought her home in a cardboard box.
Any other time we take her out, she stays in cage. But when we go to Tennessee, she's going to be coming with us. And she can't spend 3-4 days locked in a cage in a car. So we're training her to sit on the seat, in laps, or in the floor. But only in the back seat, so that she can't run under the pedals up front.
She also remains on a leash and harness at all times, so that I can control where she goes.
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The ride started normal, with her licking her face and making funny faces for no reason.
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This is her "Are you seriously pointing that camera in my face?" look. She gave me a lot of those.
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This is when I let her in the very, very back of the car and let her walk around and look out the windows. She liked it at first, but then she started to hate it and jumped back over the seats and ran into her cage.
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After she got back in her cage, she off and on made this face for extended periods of time. The way her tongue was curling and she was drooling a bit, I knew she was getting carsick, so we turned on the AC to make her more comfortable.
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Once we took her back home, I had a quick photoshoot with Edwardddd and then we were off to buy an ipod dock for the car.
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We also stopped by Petco to look for a new bed for Tiffany, since her's is pretty torn up. We didn't find any, but we saw they had salt water aquariums, and I couldn't resist taking pictures of the fishies.
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We also saw the reptiles, and I saw a boa constrictor and some other snake, along with baby bearded dragons. Those things are the freaking cutest! I used to have like 5 in my science class. They're so soft and scurry and oooh they're adorable!
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And so this adventure leads us into today's adventure. Or today's non-adventure as one may like to call it.
I went to my first few classes, and then afterward me and Daniel went to lunch to study Spanish together before the big midterm.
I stole his glasses, he stole mine. Let me say for argument's sake, but his glasses look way better on me.
Just saying.
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And then we headed to the test, which all-in-all felt like a success for me. I'm hoping to pull a B out of it, which would not be a miracle. It would be logical, since I felt I did well on most of the questions.

When I got home, I had a gift waiting from the lovely Erin. She had told me that she was going to get me something in France as a thanks for making her layout, and she did! Which is awesome!
I always forget when I say I'm going to get someone something.
Here's what she got me, which also happens to be the end of my post, and my current picture:
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Anonymous said...

If there is a chance you will see him I would not go. You need to keep yourself in a healthy state, especially now that you have realized you have some issues around eating and body image. It will only aggravate your symptoms of obsessively checking your weight/calories, etc.
Trust me Lee, I know, I've been where you are.
I was sexually abused my whole childhood by several family members. I now don't talk to my family. Occassionally my parents and that's it. A few cousins and such, but no one else in my immediate family or aunts and uncles. I had to estrange myself for my own health and ability for personal growth. While they were still in my life, and there was that chance that I could see them my OCD symptoms would flare up big time. And when the OCD is rampant you can't do anything in terms of healing because you are consumed by your thoughts.
Please, be healthy and take care of yourself. This does not sound like it would be a healthy situation for you.

Erin said...

I echo everything Yaya says.

I also want to add that my husband is a psychologist (and a damn good one at that), and there is NOTHING wrong with going to therapy. I've done it twice (like, two separate times for a year each). It sucks when it is really hard, but it is SO worth it. I promise.

Erin said...

And now for a funny/happy comment:

You are so welcome for the beret & book. You look very french :)

And I really hope your cat never throws up on your bed again!

Anonymous said...

Lee, abuse is not something you just "get over." That's not fair for anybody to suggest otherwise. I would not put yourself in the position where you will be in the same place as him. Really. Don't do it.

Kristina P. said...

Lee, I think it's great you are going to see a psychologist. I think that will be a very healthy thing for you, and like Erin, I've worked in the mental health field for a long time, and have seen a therapist myself.

Yaya gives some great advice.

Anonymous said...

I really can't help you on the abuse thing as I have never had that happen to me. However, if it had I wouldn't put myself in a situation where I was around that person. I understand you wanting to go to TN but I would stay far away from that particular person.

Ahhhh.... hairballs....the story of my life!

Sarah said...

I found your blog through bobby g's blog, it's fun reading it! As a Psych grad I understand your two issues you mentioned in this post...and as a woman I understand the dysmorphic issue. I think MANY of us have that, just different degrees. I REALLY think some sessions with a shrink will help, especially because you are so open and honest (I think) about everything! That's a GREAT start, good thoughts to you!

Wendyburd1 said...

Lee, don't go if he is there, I agree with Yaya!! It will just aggravate what you are already dealing with! You will be putting yourself in an awful situation. You are already fragile, I don't want you to break!! When you are already in a bad place emotionally, going into a situation like could just make everything harder for you. I don't want you hurt.

I have read a bit about body dysmorphic disorder, I swear my sister has it, as I would kill to look like her. I admit I worried about your self esteem, as you are so gorgeous and tiny, but think badly of yourself...another person I would kill to look like! You are stunning Lee and I am glad you decided for yourself what you need to do.

Email me if you need to talk okay?

Bobby G said...

So your cousin molested you and you family isnt fuckin keeping that asshole away from you? WOW! Thats pretty fucked up. Thought you should know some of the pics didnt work either, PS LOVE the new blog layout! Why do all cats FREAK OUT in the car? I HATE THAT

Bobby G said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lorena said...

Love the new layout...

Sheri said...

Long post!

I think that going to the psychologist will be a great help for both issues, and I hope it really helps. It is a really great step for you, I'm proud of ya girl!

As for the family thing, I suggest not going if you aren't comfortable doing so. Explain it to your mom, she should understand.

OMG! The Edward Cullen cardboard thing is awesome! Where did you get it and how much? lol It is freakin awesome. <3 If I find one I am so getting it and taking pics with it too hehehe

Anonymous said...

Hey girl, I read the beginning of your post. I'm so proud of you for going to see someone, that's always the best.
I'll be praying for you!

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