Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Shelby, This is for You

You missed out tonight, you can suck it.
(love you)

Went to my first Psychology appointment today.
Officially banned my mom from coming in after anymore appointments.
Pretty much undid the happy feeling I had.
At least the content feeling I had.

Freaking psychologist invited her in, and my mom told her that I verbally abuse her that I don't contribute around the house. And that I call her names.
Way to make me sound like a brat to the psychologist, mom.
And to be honest, I don't volunteer around the house because whenever I used to, she would turn around and just redo what I did.
When I packed up my room to move here, she repacked all of the boxes.
And then the psychologist said I'm bipolar.
Based on what, you may ask?
She asked how I feel all the time.
I said some days I'm happy, some days I'm sad, sometimes I'm a little bitchy.
That doesn't mean I'm BIPOLAR. No one can feel constantly happy every single day.
I know each of you has had good days, bad days, in-between days.
I like her, but that kind of rubbed me the wrong way a bit.
And she didn't talk to me enough. She didn't get me to stay on one subject and talk about it.
Wouldn't that help more than hip-hopping through 50 different subjects?

But god I was mad at my mom. I felt attacked, like she was trying to get the psychologist to "fix me".
And THEN because I felt a bit angry and it showed on my face, she said that I REALLY show bipolar tendencies because of how quickly angry I get.
Thanks, thanks. I get attacked in my psychology session, and because that upsets me, I'm bipolar.

And right now my mom is yelling at me because I can't have a "give and take" conversation.
I tried to tell her why I couldn't, and she threw her head back and gave a big sigh.
How am I supposed to "give and take" with that? Seriously?
She says that I blame her for everything, and then she turns around and tells me everything that's wrong with me.
Sometimes I get lippy, every teenager does. I'm not some miracle case of the bitchiest teenager in the world. I'm NORMAL. But because she grew up in a different time, where NO ONE talked back, I'm an oddity.
"My other kids would NEVER talk to me like that."
Sure, back then. When you could smack them across the face if they got lippy.
You do that now, I'll call the police for assault. And trust me, I'll do it. I'm not going to be hit by anyone for anything.

So psychology visit was bust, since instead it just told me how HORRIBLE a child I am.
And then when I say I feel attacked, they both sit there and say I'm being irrational.
If you're going to indirectly attack me, and then act like you didn't, don't come in my sessions. Get your own damn appointment and vent then. My time is not for you.

Then I went home and my dad took me to Hannah Montana.
We talked in the car and he talked about how my mom needs to let me out more to see my friends.
Which is SO blanking TRUE.
I said blanking because the word on my mind is unsavory.
Seriously, I never had a childhood. I barely had a teenagerhood.
My life from 13 on has been SCHOOL SCHOOL SCHOOL SCHOOL.
Homeschooled, no friends. College, no one my age.
It's not fair to lock me up because you think I'll be kidnapped the second I step out the door.

Anyway, we went to the movie. The guy that gave us the advanced tickets told me that he'll get me advanced tickets to see New Moon.
I was like dude, screw Drew and Shelby. You're my new best friend.
i love you drew and shelby

And to those of you that have said Drew is toxic, to be honest since this is my blog and my place to vent, you see one side of the relationship. The side that I vent about.
When we fight, half the time it's because I started it because I was in a bad mood.
Other times, it's his fault. But we've always bickered, and we've always made up 10 minutes later. That's our dynamic, and we're trying to change it, but it still works for us.

Proof that he's not a bad guy, just makes bad choices? I walked out of the theater after the movie to see Drew standing there smiling and walking over to give me a hug.
He came all the way to the theater and waited outside just to give me a hug and see me for two minutes.
So yeah, sometimes he says and does some hurtful things, but I'm guilty of that myself.
He shouldn't call me names, he's working on that. Hasn't called me one in two days.
So just give him a chance, guys. And realize that even if I'm venting about someone, that doesn't mean they're horrible. It just means you're seeing the bad side to the relationship.

And since I see him once a month, it's hard to give you the good side. But there is a good side. All day everyday we're texting, laughing, talking. Thirty minutes of that max is spent in petty fights.
Don't judge him based on these short fights that we have, judge him on the other 12 hours he spends making me smile and laugh.

After the movie we came home and I wrote 2 paragraphs for sociology. Our assignment was inequality based on race. I was supposed to write a story about a time when I experienced inequality based on my race.
I was like what the hell do I write about, I'm white.
I'm whiter than white.
My damn psychologist asked me if I ever go out in the sun.
But then it hit me. I do get discriminated against.
During the election last year, because I chose McCain, I was called racist by EVERYONE that I talked to.
Because I am white and chose not to vote for a black man, that made me a bad person.
So that's what I wrote my paper about.

So that's been my day.


Kristina P. said...

I work in a facility that does counseling for adolescents. I would talk to your therapist about not having your mom in with you for now, if that's counterproductive for you.

But honestly, since you still live at home with your mom, and you're still a minor, it's very helpful for her to talk to your mom so she can help work on the relationship issues. And many times, it's the parents who have a lot of the issues, so hopefully, the therapist can help her see your side of the situation as well, and work on some of the problems you have at home.

We actually get really frustrated when a parent refuses to talk to the therapist, because the problems continue at home, they don't leave once you leave the office.

I would give it a couple more chances and see how it goes. But not every therapist is a good fit for every client. If you are unhappy with her down the road, I would see if someone else is available.

Wendyburd1 said...

I agree with Kristina, it CAN be helpful to have a parent as they see things you may not even realize you do. It doesn't mean you are being attacked, although yeah I was not there, but try and remember she may have been trying to help. And make sure this psych. is a good fit, it SUCKS (I KNOW) to see someone all the time and you loathe them and have to spill your guts!!

How was the movie? Why did Shelby not go? And you definitely need to shave out for TEEN you time, you don't get a second chance at this time in your life!!

Bobby G said...

UM...your mom totally threw you under the bus. i think the no childhood thing is so true too! Hang in there sister! I have to step back and remember you are 16 sometimes...

SO said...

Kristina gave some good advice. I'm sorry the session didn't go as well as you wanted it to. Hopefully the future ones will.

And I too want to know your opinion of the movie. Share please.

That.Girl said...

From my experience, the first appt. is just an evaluation type thing, maybe that's why you were bouncing from subject to subject and you mom was allowed in there. If you don't feel comfortable with her being there, you can tell the dr. and she shouldn't be there. But, good luck! Hope things start to get better for you. :)

Grand Pooba said...

Sounds like your mom is totally over reacting. And therapy is much better alone. Your mom can't diagnose you and the therapist definately can't if all the info he's getting is coming from your mom.

My brother is bipolar and it is definately a lot more than just having bad days and good days, believe me!

FYI every person in my family has been in therapy with different issues, depression, ADHD, bipolar it just runs in our family. I commend you for being willing to go though. My mom made me go when I was 15 and I was totally silent and wouldn't talk to the therapist at all! But I ended up going back in my 20s and actually was willing to get better so all is good.

Hang in there chica!

Sheri said...

Yeah, I'd say that for the first few sessions at least your mom shouldn't have been in the room, and only later if you wanted so. Hopefully it goes better next time :)

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