Friday, April 3, 2009

The Dynamics of a Promise

So, me and Drew have had an obviously rocky relationship.
As if you all couldn't tell.
A few days ago it got really bad. I was stressed and tired, so I was overreacting about everything.
But now that I'm sick, I've tried to be as mellow as I can.
Tried, okay? I'm not always the best.
Drew was supposed to come over tomorrow, but screwed that up.
He screwed it up, it's his fault.
He's already made new plans to replace ours.
Within less than 24 hours, he has replaced me.
Fine, I can deal with that. (yeah, right. I'll be holding that grudge.)
But he promised me last night that to help me feel better, he would keep me company tonight and talk to me on the phone.
Physically said I PROMISE.
So then what happens tonight?

"Oh, I'm going to go play DND with my friends tonight. Sorry."
Keep in mind he's doing this tomorrow night, too.

I get angry.
How could I not get angry? This is not the first promise he's broken.
His first promise, I just said okay and let it go.
But with each promise comes a new level of anger.
So right now, I'm on promise 100 and something, so my anger level shoots through the roof the second he breaks another one.
I don't care if we aren't dating now. We're supposed to be "best friends". You don't break promises with a best friend.

What is his justification for all of this?
Promises are subject to the situation they are posed in.
Oh sure, last night tonight was free and clear. But something came up, so I couldn't do it anymore.
But this doesn't work. This is a cheap excuse and he knows it.
Here's where that works "I have to work tonight." "My grandma died." "I'm really sick."
All things you have no control over.
But you have control over whether or not you go with your friends.
When you choose those friends over me, you show me exactly where I am on your totem pole.
I'm so sick of it, really. I'm sick of being told that promises don't have to be kept under different circumstances.
If the circumstance is something you have a choice over, it's not okay to break the promise.

Another problem that I have is whenever Drew breaks one of these promises, and I react accordingly:
He proceeds to call me any nasty thing that he think of. Today he called me bipolar.
He tells me he does this as a reaction to my anger, and that he does it because it is the only way he can "get through" to me.
I'm sorry, but I don't think the smartest way to get through to someone (which, by the way, if you break a promise, what do you even HAVE to get through to me?) is to call them nasty, childish names.

I think that he does this to make me the bad guy in his mind, and justify his actions so that he doesn't have to feel bad about it while he does it.
Since I actually have guys that read my blog (3 that I know of. If you're a guy, holla! Or I will FIND YOU.) I'd like to know your opinion on this situation.

And yes, I've heard the "get rid of him" stuff.
It's not that easy. It's actually a lot more complicated than that.
So I want some advice that I can actually use that doesn't involve getting rid of him.

What do I say when he gives me this complete bullshit excuse of "situational promises"?
What do I say when he starts to call me nasty names, or blame me for the situation?
I want to come out of this the bigger person. I want to come out knowing that I was right, or at least partially right.

And come on, I'm SICK. I'm very sick, constantly coughing, sneezing, dealing with my fever.
Which by the way, I cannot find a working thermometer. One said I was 106. The other said 97.6. Another said 98.2.
I'm pretty sure that 106 wasn't right, huh? Because if it was, I would be in the hospital right now yelling about how the spiders are crawling under my skin.

You don't treat a sick person this way, you just don't do it.

So, any advice you have would be completely appreciated and would mean a lot to me.
And you guy readers, speak up. I need some dudes in my posse.
Ex-Boyfriend Tip of the Day:
Ex-Boyfriends need to be trained, much the same as current boyfriends and new puppies. When he calls you something nasty, you zap him with a shock collar. When he does something he knows he's not supposed to, you chain him up in the backyard. And when he gets up on the furniture without asking, you hit him in the face with a newspaper.


Kristina P. said...

Lee, this is not a healthy relationship, and at the very least, emotionally abusive. A guy should never call you names. Period. There are a million other guys out there who will treat you well. Don't settle for this one.

Sarah said...

Okay well I just starting reading your blog and since you don't want to hear "get rid of him", which I respect, I would say that if it were me, I wouldn't accept his promises anymore. I would banish the word from "our" vocab. Also, when he starts calling you names, seriously, hang up and don't answer for at least an hour.

Anonymous said...

I disagree. Ex boyfriends need to be kicked in the balls and forgotten forever.

Erin said...

A promise is a promise. No excuses.

k8lynr said...

just don't get your hopes up. if he's going to continually break promises, don't believe him when he says 'i promise' since he apparently doesn't mean it. that's my advice at least. and maybe a little revenge action? make plans with him and then do the same thing he does and 'replace them', whether it be f'real or something you made up. i'm a bit conniving, so that might be something else i'd think of doing.

Angela said...

the EX in ex-boyfriend means "in the past ... what once was ... history!".

Anonymous said...

I have never stayed friends with an ex. I think there is a good reason as to why. I know you don't want to hear that you should end the friendship but just remember that some friendships are poison. If you keep drinking the poison then the only person who will get hurt is you. Not the other person.

Wendyburd1 said...

He isn't dependable, even as a friend, and he treats you like garbage, which you should not stand for! This is not good for you!

If you can't handle the thought of stopping the relationship, though I wish you would, tell him not to call or contact you until he is ready to BE this friend he says he is to you. And not to call until he can respect you and not degrade you. That is what he is doing when he calls you these foul names, do not put up with it!!

Sheri said...

I hope you get better soon! If you lived nearby I'd share some homemade chicken noodle soup with you and we could complain about shitty guys together and watch Twilight :)

As for Drew hmm... treat him how he treats you. See how he likes it. Make promises to him and then break them last minute. Be rude to him and call him horrible names. When he complains about it say "see how it feels jerk" and hang up the phone. :P

Bobby G said...

GET RID OF HIM! He plays DND? WTF? lol

And fro GOD SAKES! Get well!

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