Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I Have Found My Calling

Based on my Google Analytics results, I have determined that my blog attracts one specific set of people.
Bitter women.
Normal blog readers are not the ones I'm talking about.
I'm talking about the people that have found my blog through google searches.
Here's is how I have come to that conclusion:
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That whole little "burn ex boyfriends" one has me a little concerned.
But I have come to realize my reason for blogging is to enlighten the women that have been "burned in relationships".
Of course I will continue to blog in my same format, but at the bottom of my post, under my current picture, I will give a new tip about how to deal with ex-boyfriends or relationships.
I have a blog, that qualifies me to give relationship advice.
Much of this advice will come from the different searches that come up in analytics, and others will just be random tidbits that I feel are important to a healthy relationship with ex-boyfriends.

To begin, I'm going to address a few of the questions posed in Google Analytics.

"Burn ex boyfriends" - I have come across this problem many times in the past. It is hard to properly cook an ex-boyfriend without burning him in the process. Here is the recipe for ex-boyfriend that I use:
Ingredients - One ex-boyfriend, garlic salt, barbecue sauce
Supplies - Aluminum foil, gas grill, chloroform
Instructions - Use chloroform to gather unsuspecting ex-boyfriend. Undress, marinate in barbecue sauce, and then wrap tight in aluminum foil. Put on the grill until golden-brown, unwrapping often to check. Season to taste with garlic salt. Enjoy!

"Ex boyfriend said he would call then didn't"
- As I said earlier, your best solution would to be to get a new ex boyfriend. But if this is not an option, wait until this ex boyfriend gets a new girlfriend. Allow their relationship to get serious, and then show up at his house when she is the only one home. Ask where your fiance is, and why the hell she is in his house. When she becomes angry, start crying and say you 'knew this would happen again' and run off crying.

"Ugh, I hate my best friend's ex-boyfriends" - Go lesbian and convince your best friend to convert with you. That way, you never have to worry about your best friend having an ex-boyfriend again.

"What do you guys think about ex-bfs" - Thank you for asking, grasshopper. Ex-boyfriends are best kept in your closet and only let out when you need them for something. Need someone to whine to? Pull out the ex-boyfriend. Need someone to open a jar? Pull out the ex-boyfriend. Reward him with a pat on the head, and remind yourself that doing things for you is all they are good for.

Since it is April Fools, and this post is auto-posting, I'm going to give a great ex-boyfriend related prank.
Show up at your ex's door with a random kid in tow. Say "There's someone I'd like you to meet." The look on his face will leave you laughing for years to come!

I can't wait to see what pranks get pulled on me today, and to pull some pranks of my own.
Happy April Fools!
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Kristina P. said...

Wow, there ARE a lot of bitter women out there!

Kimmy said...

Love the new layout! Very springy :o) do you find out what people or searches bring people to your blog?

Grand Pooba said...

Haha! Thank you for solving all my ex-boyfriend problems! Especially that lesbian thing, that's great advise!

Anonymous said...

You could totally do a "Dear Lee" column on your blog for readers to ask advice on our bitter life situations! That would be awesome!!!!!

Bobby G said...

This shit is scary! Women are nuts!

Erin said...

I never have fun searches on my blog! I have to start writing about cooler things.

LaurieJ said...

After reading yours I went and looked at what searches have led people to mine. Umm...some not so good ones :-p
Your are awesome!

Anonymous said...

Too funny, Lee!

Wendyburd1 said...

I just signed up for that, what part tells you that stuff? Bitter women are so much fun! LOL

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