Saturday, November 15, 2008

A Brave Face

I'm pretty sure I'm not as mature as you guys think I am. When I woke up I thought I was okay, and then I started looking back on my regrets.
I regret that my last kiss with him wasn't the way I wish it was. I regret that I didn't enjoy the time I had with him as much as I should have. At first I thought I could make it faster than most, but this is how I've looked all day:At times I can sit here and dillydally without thinking. And then wham, something triggers another crying fit. I love him, and I don't want to lose him. But I know I can't do anything about it.
Thinking about him with another girl makes me sick, thinking about me being alone makes me feel the same. I'm a wreck and I'm ashamed of it.
And then I start to wonder, how could he not love me anymore? I did everything for him that I could, and I still love him just as much as the first day we started dating.
What if he starts to phase me out? What if I just become a distant memory? What if he forgets me altogether?
And why couldn't he have said it nicer? Why couldn't he have just said that the relationship wasn't working, why did he have to tell me he doesn't love me anymore? That's the lowest blow I could think of. "I know that you thought my heart had a special place for you in it, but that place shriveled up and died. And now you're going to be alone and I'm going to have a great time with my friends and find another girl and you'll be miserable." He could've at least given me that glimmer of hope that he still had feelings for me, so that I wouldn't feel so alone.
He promised me he'd always be there, he'd always love me. He'd love me forever. What happened to forever? Did the calender speed forward and I just wasn't aware of it?
The feeling knowing that he can go on without me, that kills me. He used to tell me that if I died he'd be miserable, but now he'd just go on with his life without a look back.

I can't really do anything about it now. I have something I'm going to ask him about tonight that I may regret (no, not getting back together), and I'm just hoping he'll see it from my point of view.
Until then, I'll go back to crying. Ugh I'm such a wuss.Jesus, maybe I'm bipolar.
Nah. Just mood swings. This is hard for me.
But once again, I'm feeling better. Maybe I can find a way to make it permanent.

Anyway, enough with depressing.
I played more warcraft today. It was nice, but my mom brought me curly fries and a milkshake. She feels for me <3
Oh, and I found this needlepoint that my mom's friend made for me that I stashed in a drawer.It's a cheeseburger! Anyway, I'm gonna go for nowizzle. Gotta calm down forizzle.


Angela said...

It's going to be tough for a while but it will get better. hang in there :)

Me said...

Girlie- Hang in there! It will not only get easier, but what you are experiencing (the ups and downs and the tears) are COMPLETELY normal! Trust me, as I approach 30 and having been through enough heart-ache in my teenage will come out a stronger person. You have many many years of falling in and out of love before settling down for forever. Hang in there!

Me said...

P.S. I know there is an age gap between you and I, but you are ALWAYS welcome to email me. myblogmessages at hotmail dot com.

Kristina P. said...

It's still brand new! This is completely normal. I advocate lots of chocolate. And Christian Bale.

Anonymous said...

It hurts now but in a few years you will look back on this and be glad that it worked out the way it did. Hang in there.

Wendyburd1 said...

You NEED time is all, you are still very grown up for 16! Don't worry!!

And he IS a turd, and a gross teenage boy!! They are JERKS!! Forget him, you are SO much more than he deserves. I can put a skizzy on him if you want (New Zealand bad luck word...could be wrongly spelled)!!

Jillene said...

These things take time. You are hurt and hurt takes time to heal. But remember that you will be moving on too--not just him. These kinds of things only make you stronger. Hang in there! Things WILL get better!!

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