Wednesday, November 12, 2008

For the first time in my life...

I gave myself a nose bleed. I was laying here FINALLY about to go to sleep (I hadn't even thought about my fear for a couple of hours!) and then I just HAD to scratch my itchy nose. Next thing I know I see the blood and am flipping out. Most people got nose bleeds as kids, at least one, but I had never had one before.
Of course I knew they existed, but I mean jeese! I never realized there was so much blood in someone's nose.

The sad part is that since my mind clicked into overdrive when all of this happened, my fear came back and once again I am up in the wee hours of the morning blogging to keep my mind off of the scary crap that plagues my mind.
I mean honestly, it is unhealthy to think about death as much as I do. I'm not even old enough to SMOKE. (SMOKING IS BAD. AND SO IS LITTERING. DON'T MAKE ME TELL THE CRYING INDIAN.)
To be honest I can sit here and tell myself 50 bajillion times that I believe in God, I believe in heaven, but then SOMEONE comes along and puts a doubt into my head and tailspins me again. (The last time it was my own church. 7 days of "Is there a heaven?" at camp this summer. Boy was that healthy for my mind. =/)
And then I stop thinking about my own mortality and start thinking about the people around me, and a whole 'nother panic attack happens. I think my world lit class is what has re-awakened my fear. Looking back at the Enlightenment period and others, where God wasn't believed to have existed, freaked me the frick out. And I have to listen to my teacher talk about it for an hour and a half. Ugh! I love my teacher, don't get me wrong, but talk about something a little less bleak!

Eventually I'll either get over it (I went 6 whole months without thinking about it this past year, so that was good), or I'll get some help from a professional.
Although I just stumbled across a site that gave me a smile, so that's a start. Does God Exist?

Yeah, this post is a bummer. I apologize for that. I swear on my pigtails (once I start wearing pigtails) that most of my posts will be cheery. Sometimes it's just helpful to let out your emotions or you wind up naked in a frozen yogurt shop yelling about how no one understands you. True story. I have an idea... I'll change the subject really fast. LOOK! OVER THERE! A DISTRACTION!

What are some things that have happened to most people that have never happened to you? I can think of a few for me...
I've never broken/sprained anything. *knocks on wood* I've never had a RANDOM nose bleed. I don't think this one counts! It was self-inflicted! I've never done drugs... not saying a lot of you guys ever have. If any. But that's something I've never done. I've never talked to my birth mother. I've never gotten to paint my room/have my room painted (ugh white walls. insanitarium much?) I've never been to prom, and never will. What are some of the things that you have never done, whether good or bad, that others your age usually have?Still say that nose bleed doesn't count.


Wendyburd1 said...

Lee, as you might has noticed from MY posts, not only is it OKAY to talk about your feelings(hello it IS your blog!) but I get where you are coming from. I can be so morbid sometimes, I've had whole daydreams (but not really) detailing my funeral,etc. I just get something stuck and can't get it out. And whereas I have meds,etc. That may not be true in your case.
I am worried that you can't get it out and for so long now.What do your parents think? Do they even know? Just looking out for you...hazards of being the BIG sister, LOL!

Liz said...

Lee, my friend, God is control!!! Stop worrying about it, hun. You are 16 years old. You, more than likely, have a bright future ahead of you. My advice to you is to stay safe and be smart. Always be aware of your enviroment when you are out. When you are able to drive, be a smart driver. There are things that we are in control of that can prolong our lives.

There are a lot of things that I have never done. I guess you can label me a good girl. I have never tried one single illegal drug, never went to a party, no tatoos, no piercings (except ears), no public swarees (if you know what I mean), never stolen, never been arrested.... I am sure that there is more but that's all I can think of right now.

Jillene said...

I have morbid death crap in my head too. If my husband isn't home from work on time and he doesn't call IMMEDIATLY I think he has been killed or is laying in a ditch somewhere dying.

I have never had any broken bones either and I am 36--GO ME!! I have never done or tried drugs either.

Kristina P. said...

Lee, I know we've emailed about this, but there has to be some sort of place in Vegas that provides reasonably priced counseling services.

I don't mean to scare you, but this kind of stuff does not go away on it's own. I've been there and I know what it's like.

You can always email me if you need to talk!

Paige said...

Hmm.. what have I not done that most people have? Hmmm....I don't know.

I have no tattoos, but I would get one given the opportunity. And I dont think MOST people my age have them

I could do better with things I have done that most people have not

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