Monday, November 10, 2008

Well this post took a dark turn didn't it?

So today is Monday. Big woo. Usually people my age are in school on Mondays (except today I found out because of staff development day), but usually I am sitting here, contemplating whether I should jump on the treadmill, surfing around looking for something to do.
Last night I couldn't really sleep well because my irrational fear of death came back to... scare me to death? Bad pun, I know.
I've kind of suffered from this irrational fear for months. There was a period of time when I would lay on the couch crying and couldn't do anything else. It doesn't help that I suffered from depression for a long time, and that instead of trying to quench my fear my church kind of deepened it and gave it a sharper edge.
I've done everything I could think of the remove the fear, but the only thing that has actually stood out and WORKED is repeating this mantra that I made for myself - "Don't live life in fear of death. Live life in spite of it."
Hopefully one day I'll be able to get through a long period of time without thinking about it, until then I just have to keep repeating my words of assurance.

Anyway, on a lighter note, my mom came in with an issue of Cosmogirl... I really don't like this cover.
I can't really figure out what I don't like. Maybe I've just never really liked Scarlett Johan... *spell checks* Johansson. Just looking at this cover makes me think "If I'd been in the store, I wouldn't have bought this myself." Plus I'm so sick of politics right now that if I see one more article about anything voting related I will strangle someone. Like literally walk up to someone, preferably somebody like Andy Dick or that one guy with chiclet teeth, and just strangle them. And keep strangling until whatever says "vote" on it is removed from my sight.
I couldn't even vote in this election, but to be honest that's a good thing. I very possibly wouldn't have. So many political campaigns were shoved down our throats that the last thing I wanted to do was support anyone.

Anyway, I should probably start writing another paragraph of my paper. It's not due until december, and I'm a whiz at cranking out papers, so there's no need to rush.

Thought I'd throw this out there: If anyone wants me to make a banner/background/some kind of graphic for their blog, website, etc. I'll be happy to. I like having things to make so that I can kill time. Just keep in mind I can find pictures, I can find brushes, but I can't draw. Well, I can. If you think this is art:
If you like that sorta thing, I can crank those out all day for you baby.
Anyway, thanks for reading!! Hope your day is less term-paper filled than mine.


Angela said...

I think I felt every emotion while reading this post.

Sorry about your fear of death. I'm kinda the opposite but I'm sure there are many people with the same fear. Too bad your church just made things worse...not good!

I agree...I don't like that Cosmogirl cover either. It screams PATRIOTISM which is good...i guess...but like you said...I too am sick of politics right now...and I'm not even! I don't mind S.J. ...she's not my fav...but is good at what she does.

You should set up a paypal account and start charging for your graphic work. But then I'd have no one to call on at the last minute when I'm in dire need to change my header. :)

Angela said...

oh...forgot to say...

the "one guy with the chiclet teeth" comment cracked me up. I literally LOL!

Cosmopolite said...

Nah, I don't think it would be right to charge for my graphics. Since I use other people's brushes I wouldn't feel that right. I'm good at editing, I'm okay at putting together graphics (which is what I'd be doing) but I prefer doing it for free.
Heck, I'd get more of a devout graphics following doing it for free than charging! Ha!

Liz said...

Sorry to hear about your fear of death. Hopefully, you will live a long, long life. I am not afraid to die. I think I am most afraid of leaving my husband (that's another story). And maybe I am a little afraid of how I will die. Okay, enough of this. I am sure I am not being very helpful.

I don't want to hear anything about politics ever again. This one did it for me. I got to where I turned the radio and TV if a campaign slogan came on. This was just a nasty election race this time.

Happy Monday!

Kristina P. said...

I actually went through a time with a similar death anxiety. Some about me, but mostly about my husband dying.

I actually saw a therapist for a few months, which really helped, and it's extremely minimal now.

Have you seen anyone?

Rychelle said...

sorry to hear you've been going through such a tough time.

i think the issue with that cover is scarlett's outfit. it's hideous!

Kristina P. said...

Lee, you should add your email to your profile, so I can respond to your comments directly.

Just go to profile, and you can add it there! See how fun!

Cosmopolite said...

Okay, added my email

The Blog Stalker said...

You have been added my bloggy friend! It will take me a few more days to get the State List updated, but your blog should be appearing in "The Congregation" list!

Happy Stalking!
-The Blog Stalker

Liz said...

Hello fellow stalker.

That cover is kind of creepy...I am indifferent about her, really...

Sorry you have had a rough time of things lately, I hope you hit an up swing soon

(yay blog stalkers!!)

Rychelle said...

lee -

i'm not sure how it works at csn, but unlv has free counceling for students. i think it would be worth checking into at csn.
good luck!

Cant Hardly Wait said...

I never had death anxiety. The thought of dying has crossed my mind. Especially when I had my c-section, and my husband so eloquently told me that there was no going back, like I was on a roller coaster seconds away from the first big drop... AS I was being cut open.
I hope it passes for you. I'm pretty certain there are better things to do than think about death. I can't imagine what kind of thoughts you have!

ALSO- I didn't like the cover either. Mostly because of what she is wearing. But then again, imagine the attention I would have recieved at the polls if I wore that.

Wendyburd1 said...

I can totally relate on the depression,etc stuff, I live with it everyday and that is a VERY good mantra.

I LOVE your background, how did you DO that?!!Seriously!

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